Wow! It has already been a month since I lasted posted and I have to say that must be a sign that we have settled into another level of normalcy. That is if you consider having to still deal with 02- 24/7, meds and nightly g-tube feedings a normal life for an 8 month old. Although I don't think too much about all the "what ifs" that could happen to Mason, those possibilities are always there. Ernie tries to tell me not to worry. I shouldn't worry about what will happen to Mason. I don't worry about everything that could happen to the other kids, so I should be the same with Mason. That is just not realistic. The fact of the matter is, he only has 1/2 of a working heart, he will most likely always be on medications, he will most likely go into heart failure one day and need a transplant, he will probably always be immunocompromised and the list goes on. There is not a single other parent we know personally that can say they face these lists of "probabilities" in their child's future. Yet, here we are leading our newly defined "normal" life and he wants me not to worry. I'm just not there yet and maybe never will be.
I have mentioned to others that this journey has really put our lives into perspective. We have a house full of beautiful things, furniture, clothes, toys, etc. and we don't even need them. Since we have been home we have stayed more time at my Mom's and don't miss those things one bit! For some of us, it truly takes some kind of life altering event to make us realize what really matters in this life. I am privileged to say I have been part of events that I would wish upon no other, but that have led me to a closeness with God I have never had before.
Funny thing is, you would think that what has happened to us would be humbling but in some aspect the intensity of what we have lived through can almost make you feel invulnerable. I wonder once in a while if God will give us another little test and that normalcy and invulnerability will be a thing of the past. So for me, keeping the "what ifs" around can in some way keep me grounded.
I saw a little saying on a forum that I really enjoyed..
God gave him such a big heart, he only let him bring half.
Now that is optimism I can learn from!
